note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
