i jhust puked up my retainher.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
