I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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