found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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