ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
