Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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