I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
