Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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