everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
