Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
