I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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