At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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