The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
