i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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