My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
