Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
