I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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