Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
