Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
