Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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