I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
