I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
