First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
