it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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