I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Buhtt sex?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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