i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
