**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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