just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
