I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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