Your dad touched me again.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
