she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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