i would punch a child for taco bell
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dicks are not precious.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
