i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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