Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
only you would photoshop your dick
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
