another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
