conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
