No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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