I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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