i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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