I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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