She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
