Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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