Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
