Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Damn victory sex feels great
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
