me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
