Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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