the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
