I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i wish my penis had a tongue
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
