so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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