wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
