I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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