I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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