ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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