Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
