apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
