I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
