I'm so fucking centered right now
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
