walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
