Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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