happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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