Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
