Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
