Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
