she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
