I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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